BROKEN

Oh well, now I’m the bad one.

I need to confess something, something I’ve been holding on for too long, way too long.

I think I’ve decided to break up with someone, I dont know can we really break up with someone who we thought will be forever for us?

I think I’ve decide to break up with my sister, nor that I already did, my mom will be crying begging for me not too.

Well, I will do it silently, I can not hold it anymore, other else I’ll be the one who is frustrated.

No, I haven’t come to this decision quickly, I’ve been trying to get along with her, for more than ten years, and I’m sorry, to be honest, the only way I can describe our relationship is like a bipolar, too much on and off its like she can flip my feelings in one minute and push it in another minute and lighten it in few minutes, all the time whenever she want. I’m tired..

I feel like I have nothing left to feed this relationship, so enough please. In her eyes, she is perfect and I’m something needs to fix, I am wrong for caring too much. She’s great lets say and I’m fuck up. I always be the one who is stressed and such a mess, I cant bare it anymore, I’m typing this crying, tapping with full emotion like I don’t want.. I am getting old and I only want people around me who love and support me.

you, you and you must be think I’m cruel. but if you do, before you judge me, you should know you realize you never had someone in your inner circle who can hurts you this much. without doing physical attract. just from words, and behavior.

some of you will reminds me all the time “life is short” “wont you be sad if she is not around anymore?” “wont you regret what you did” “wont you just act normal, all siblings are  fighting” “she is your sister in bloood, she is your forever sister”

I’m sorry, I know you meant well, but you are not me, so you are wrong.. I feel I have no choice but trying to disconnect from her.

what strange is, I don’t feel guilty or upset like I have done previously when I’ve tried doing this. And no, she is not the only explanation for all the things I have gone wrong in my life, I also deal with some serious problems this year, but I try and I have tried to surround myself with the right and positive people to help me through it. I don’t want another explosive fireball, like a grenade, I’m the one who witness how she act, behave, treat me, or my mom. I tried to talk.  but what I get is another anger towards myself, so I kept silent. Like right now, until I feel like I need to let it out of my chest.

All the work I do, all the progress and the process I make, she wont care a bit, as if I haven’t done anything, leaving me the feeling of reeling and wondering what just  happened??

Now for the first time, I can say that I wont let that happen. anymore, Every single person in my inner circle are good for me, those who are not good as in not even care for how I feel about them, have no place in my life, or in my future.

I know even I still have to pretend a lot in front of my mother, as much as this will hurt my parents and effect my family, I feel I dont have any choice rather then careless towards her.

maybe she can do better with other people

maybe she have another sister that she can rely on, since I’m such a wreck for her.

I’m sorry, for me,

you are

we are,

officially estranged.

 

 

TEARS

They say let it go.
Let the tears falling. Maybe you need it to be out so all the pain and aches, the sadness and disappointment will wash away as the tears go. Heard one said “maybe your eyes need to be wash with your tears so you can see the beauty of the world with clearer view again”
Let it fall through you cheeks, running down to your neck till you feel it getting dry, there.
Let the tears out until it wet your pillows if you are that kind of person who feel like hugging things when you crying.
Let the tears out until your both palm soaking with tears if you covered your face while crying.
Let the tears out until your eyes aches, maybe that works fine.
I’m typing this in tears, falling through my keyboard and making them wet. I just want to let the tears out slowly.. the feeling I hold for the past weeks, I feel stupid cause I just let this tears now. I should have let this out sooner so I can heal faster.

crying is how your heart speaks, when your lips can’t explain the pain that you feel”

We have this tear for reason. To wash our eyes, to help us feel better when we deal with bad feelings, feelings that you can’t bear when someone leave you, feeling you can’t bear when someone fight with you, feeling you can’t bear when you feel upset, sad, or angry, or feeling you can’t hold when you are too happy that you feel the excitement is so unbearably good.

But no, this tears I have is not a happy tears, it’s angry-sad-frustrated tears, but hey, I try to deal and face things that ruin my mood, I just suddenly feel like nothing again, like lost and no one care. You know what, those anxieties and depression feeling we have to fight it back, me too, I need to remember my purpose of living. I need to remember happy memory, dream and hope, cause we shouldn’t lose hope. You can cry it’s not a sin. But you have to know when to stop to continue living.
but right now, it feels like, I won’t hold this back,
I just want to let tears falling.. feels like a raindrops through my cheeks, down to my neck, cause I don’t even care to wipe it down.. I want to feel it falling.. I can taste the salty from my on tears who across my lips. Why it even taste salty? Does yours taste the same too?
I am grateful, I have tears. To help me cope with my silly emotion.
Just let it out, you will feel less hurt.

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What do you know?

What do you know? about Depression.

This just a thought when I think about the feeling like you never find your happiness again. Some can say depression is humiliating. Really? Have you ever really meet a person who is struggling on one? Admit it this feeling might a shameful for someone who getting through it. Depression turns intelligent, kind people into a walker, a zombie who can’t wash their hands, or change their socks and put their shoes on to walk on their on, it affect the ability to think clearly, to feel anything. Depression turns out my normal healthy ability to cope with bad days, and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that find me no pleasure, no delight, no point of my existence, no happiness, none! Then I realize I start to alienate people, friends, family, because I can’t make myself comfort socially. I feel they don’t and can’t never understand me. I avoid everyone cause I feel talking to them is no use. They won’t understand. I start to risk my dream, either I give it away and have nothing, or I start to do something insanely crazy and ruin it. I start to become pathetic and I know it, and I have no power to stop it.
That word itself, Depression, really sound pathetic. As if you are going to be insane slowly at a time. Most people I know will react with “ *sniff* don’t be stupid you are not depressed” How would they know when probably they are one of the reason?? Why, do some people think it’s not real? and we all make no sense and seeking for people attention?

Who wants that? Nobody, if people can choose of course they want to be healthy, to be happy.
It’s kinda heartbreaking, I know depression is so wrong but I can’t change, or probably I just feel so. There are times when I don’t have emotional reserves, no faith, yes no faith things will get better. So here I am, feeling guilty and ashamed of inability to make things better for myself. To deal with life like a regular human. To be not so strong anymore.

Let me tell you, no one choose this. NO ONE. Let me tell you, no one deserve this, NO ONE. Depression is real, just because you’ve never had it doesn’t mean some people made it up.

Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day. Depression isn’ just a day or two.

So,
What’s important for everyone should know? Compassion. Compassion is also real. What’s a compasion? Lovingly understood, caring, listening, be there, (not lecturing though I think depress people have already so many pressure, when they seek advice they will ask) and a person with depression will cling and hang their life as you can notice desperately, until they can go out of the world, and stand on their own feet. Please have a heart, judge nobody.
Be nice to everyone you meet. You can’t never regret by giving a smile.

In the end, who knows it might help them to getting through a day.

So, what do you know?

Raining

Day Seven: Give and Take

Happiness x Sadness
Yin and Yang

“you take the good, you take the bad and there you have the fact of life” -unknown

Before you start reading I’m not trying to be some sort of “wise girl” who knows and understand a lot about life. In fact, I do not understand anything probably. I still figure life out. What’s the purpose of my life, what’s the good of my dream? Why do people care about me? But I will try to tell what I know about this life.
Ever heard Chinese Philosophy Yin and Yang? Means two different things is actually complete each others. Based on wikipedia:

“how apparently opposite or contrary forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another”

Happiness and sadness are two things that will follow your life forever. Sometimes you feel sad, and sometimes you feel happy. I know so many people that been telling “it’s all in your head, what’s your perspective, what’s your mind set. You just have to change it and you will live happily. Live happily they said, it will be easy they said. *puke*

I don’t believe with people who said “happiness is simple you just need to let the burden out and enjoy everything” I mean seriously how come you expect a person with depression think it’s gonna be simple??? But I do somehow believe this life will play fair. One time you full of excitement and feel super happy that you can’t even stop smiling that you want to scream out loud and tell the world about it, and one time you feel so sad and hurt and feel aches to the bones which makes you sick or everything and anything. But its ups and down, however we won’t know happiness if we never feel sadness. How can you compare then if you only know one feeling?

This is not a cause and effect. It’s trying to give and take. I understand one thing with this word “give and take” if we are talking about happiness and sadness. Give happiness when you feel happy means share it. You won’t feel less happy by sharing your happiness. The feeling when you can put a smile in someone’s face after they having a rough day it’s unbelievable going to calming your feeling. “we raise by lifting others” remember? Take the sadness when you have to, accept it. Accept and let it go. Okay I’m talking nonsense when we think this would be easy. No it wont be as easy as I’m typing this, but you can try it, again, again and again.

Oh again, I don’t know if what I write make sense and mean something to any of you who read this, sometimes I still find it hard to tell you everything I feel. I wish you can just read my head instead. So yeah, that’s all about now for give and take. Happiness and sadness, yin and yang. Just one thought from me, whatever happen, don’t give up.

Keep moving forward,

Raining

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Day Four: Serially Lost

“Do you know what it feels like, to fall in you arms. Do you know what it feels like to love you?” – Hudson Taylor (World without you)

He is important for me, always be and always will. He is part of my life. My happiness, my sadness, my feeling of depression yet also my courage to fight happiness. I never imagine a love of someone can be this shameful yet powerful. You see, sometimes in life you just can’t help yourself to feel understand about all the answers of all of your questions. About stuff in the universe. Why and how, some say “people come and go in our life” yet this one human being never really go from my heart. Always come in my mind.. And my thought, and my prayer. I feel like I never can stop loving him, although I’m angry, I’m upset, although he made me cry million times.. oh, They say “Karma’s exist” I never thought I will stand here waiting to watch him having his.

Oh my, what am I gonna do without you in my life.

After five years of waiting. Five years of thinking. What it would be like to finally meet you again? I’ve been questioning myself. Will I be brave enough? After all the pain and aches that I feel. When I was begging you to stay that time. When I was begging you to please don’t ever change, but you do, and went away. With someone else you said keep you happy. I hope things stay as they are but as people said “ it’s a cycle” “what’s goes around comes back around” “one day you feel happy another day you will be cry of sadness” it’s a cycle..

That day when I see your face again, you look… tired, you gained weight a little, I was about to give you a hug but we ended up shaking hand instead. It’s funny, I did manage to smile and so did you smile back at me. You look, older. Does she really make you happy? I keep questioning that. We didn’t talk much, but you still have that habit to hide something on the back of your shirt, you walked fast like you used too, wait not fast.. It’s just, you have big steps in each walk and made me say “slow down, hey” and you smiled. I don’t feel excited meeting you, that’s honestly weird feeling. I do want to see you after more than 1,950 days the last time we meet. I afraid I won’t get my chance in the future.. After all we should be nice to everyone even they did wrong to us, right? But you, you will always be part of me. Although people hate you or someday she dumped you, you will always have me. I won’t go anywhere.

So it was a short meet up. No longer than four hours. You were in rush, ha. It’s been five years, how come you didn’t want make it last longer? I get disappointed of course, I missed you. My heart ached a little but I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to hold you up either and I don’t understand why. I just felt, I want to go home, maybe this all are a mistake. Trying to meet you again it’s.. I don’t know.. Can’t even describe it. You left your tab and phone on the table when we had lunch and you rush to the toilet. I’m sorry, I can’t help myself.. I didn’t want to do it at first, but I checked your phone and tab. I just want to know what things you been up to. How’s your life really be. Are you happy? I found nothing but your chat with her. I know it’s wrong, even I regret it cause it left a big hole like a zonk inside of me. I hope this is wrong but I just feel, she doesn’t appreciate you anymore (or probably she never really do), and the fact that you will get broken anytime, make me feel.. Pity, sad, angry towards you. Well I do hope you will always be happy like you tell me. Before you leave by the time you finished your food you stand up and said “Okay I’m going, take care of yourself” you stood up and awkwardly kiss the top of my head and tap my back trying to hug me. All I can manage to say was “you too, can I have a picture it’s been a while?” someone took a picture of us. Click. After goodbye, he left just like that. I mesmerized. Stare at nothing. I don’t know what I’m feeling, this is happiness cause I finally meet him, or sadness, or regret? I still feel that I lost him..

If love is powerful, than I hope my love for you as strong as this bones that hold me from breaking down. As your little girl, I will always pray for your happiness, will always. I hope she treat you right, and you are happy inside and out, dad.

“If you love me… Why did you leave me…” (All I want – Kodaline)

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Day one: Unlock the mind 

 

My mind seems never stop thinking too much. It’s like so many small noises keep bothering me, wait is that bothering? The small noises are talking to me. So many what ifs, so many why, so many how. Things that probably a girl like me should not think about.
Like last night for example, I couldn’t stop myself. I laid back and forth, turned right and left. Turned on and off the light of my lamp on the bedside table beside my bed. I stared at the ceiling in the dark. I stared at the ceiling with the shadow of the light from the lamp was on. I was thinking about life and its friends, I was thinking about my family, and friends, I was thinking about my dream, and realise the clock tickling to 3.15 am. Duh, I needed to sleep.
This morning (as I only managed to sleep for 4 hours) when I checked upon my email, I read the first writing prompt is about unlocking the mind, I was staring to my phone screen and thinking.. Maybe what I need to tell is how I suppose to lock the mind. Oh hey, I dont know how to lock the mind. I am still learning for it. So I dont know what I write is going to make sense. Ha.

So here it goes, unlock the mind. When this comes up what’s pop in my head? I see greenish mountain with beautiful flowers underneath, add a blueish white sky as the background, in my imagination.

 
  
 
A beauty in the world, It’s like seeing the world much way further, things that I never see with my own eyes before. Unlock the mind.. Is it being open minded? No, I think it’s pretty different the definition of an open mind. when you open minded you see thing, you see a case, and try to not judge easily, see it in a big scopes. While unlock the mind, try to breath.. Set yourself free. Think, think, think. Talk, talk, talk.

Un-lock, so stop holding what’s inside of your head. Let it free. Let it flow. Hold. Breathe. Hold. Breath. Hold. Breathe.

So it’s like updating a facebook status. “What’s in your mind?” Try to unlock your mind, what about thinking something you never thought before.
See around you, I mean literary right now, what’s next to you. What’s in your mind?

Un lock the mind,
I think of myself the current problem that I’m facing, I want to be free, from this silly stupid thoughts the negativity that sometimes ruined my day. Does unlocking the mind and controlling almost the same?

I feel like try to unlock the mind mean to have a strong minded. Thinking too much (like me) but you can’t control is not a definition of people with a strong minded, haha but I’ll keep learning to take care of my thought. Cause it’s important. We dont want to let our own head eating our life, right? Unlock the mind is ready to face the fact and reality, when it hurts you, you have to prepare, when it satisfies you have to be ready too.

Soft hearted, strong minded

What’s your thought about unlock the mind?

Oh silly and remember,

Strong minded.

Hugs,

Raining

Overcome Jealousy

I am not the only one who have this feeling, right? Jealousy. Everyone say being jealous over someone you love or you care is normal. The feeling is mutual means you ‘love’ them. I think most people probably won’t admit it, but feeling jealous is a normal reaction. We sometimes don’t want others to have what we have and we fear losing something or someone that we really, really treasure. Keep that in mind again, it’s normal.

I can even say myself that when it comes to someone I love dearly, I get jealous easily. I am very protective of what is mine. Protective, not possessive. I get angry, mad, and ended up crying like a baby, haha but then I realize it’s no use. There are three things that we can do to overcome jealousy. Based my own personal opinion of course.

 

Control

Your feeling is important too, so don’t hurt yourself . Everytime I feel jealous over someone I love. I admit it it’s always hard for me to cope it. Maybe I’m childish? Really? Maybe I’m not childish I just care and afraid too much. I do hurting myself by thinking about it way too much, and think too far about things that not happen yet. So many “what ifs” popped in my head. Until I realize it’s so wrong I can’t be like this anymore. I can’t hurt myself by doing this.

Jealousy is feeling of insecure, the feeling that one another human being should belong to you and only you.

Think about this.. this is not right. I come up to the conclusion where ‘If they meant to be for you, it will happen eventually, they wil be yours even so many other man/woman try to hit on them” so control your feeling, I try to not pressure myself with so many silly thoughts that only ended up hurting me.

 

Communicate

“They say communication is great in relationship” be honest to them. What things you like, and you don’t like. If they care about you, they won’t want upsetting you or make you worry all the time, right? So many people has been telling me what’s the point of relationship without trust? Now I’m going to see it this way,

if you get hurt you will learn, and it will suck but it’s life and taking chances is all you can do,

and if you don’t get these emotions out (by being honest, and talk about it) you just gonna hurt yourself. Just focus this is for your own good, not them.

 

Keep yourself Happy

Ah, this one is the hard one. You know I think when we really happy, with ourselves, we will less jealous. We believe and trust them and just be like, if they hurt me it just show they don’t deserve me. If you feel jealous, ask yourself how many times you have felt this way, Why? How long? Is it the same case again and again? Bare in mind that if your spouse is truly giving you something to be jealous about like ‘cheating, flirting’ trust me, that’s not normal, it sucks and you should do what’s right. Be happy for you, be happy for yourself. I know accept ourselves, being happy with ourselves is not easy, in fact is hard. Maybe when that jealousy pop out, distract your mind by doing something else, something you love, watch funny movies, go out and enjoy yourself. Don’t let yourself to think you are not safe, you are safe, and you wil be safe, cause jealousy is all about insecure.

It’s normal to ge jealous, but we have to control and communicate it, and keeping ourselves happy for being us. That’s the main part. The fact that you reading this right now, means you once get jealous and couldn’t control it. But I’m gonna remind you, you are special, don’t let other treat you the opposite.

 

 

Warm hugs,

 

Raining

 

Let’s fight back

Dear friend,

I know it’s never easy to smile when your life feels like tore apart, fall apart. As if there is no use of living. You don’t feel like living, you just use your body and fill it with food and water everyday, there is no happiness in your day, you fake smile, you fake laugh like.. ha.. ha.. it’s a zonk. It’s nothing. Ask yourself when was the last time you laugh until your tummy hurts? If it’s been a while or you can’t even remember when. Then I think you and me are on the same boat.

You know you go to school cause you have to, you have to be so good in school so when you finished you can get a proper job, and after that you will have to pay bills, or you will eventually meet someone and get married (if we are lucky).

You married and all of sudden after quite a while, things dont feel the same anymore, it gets boring, wait can I say boring word? It gets flat. Maybe you just get to the point where your spouse is no longer understand you. Who am I marrying with? The question will be there, but don’t give up yet.

You go to work cause you have to, you have to pay your bills, you have to impress people, maybe? And it keep repeating for the rest of your life. So thats all? Where is the passion? Where is the excitement? Where is the butterfly tickling in your tummy? Most of the important, where is your dream? Where is the purpose?

I heard people say “dream and goal will make your life better” “dream will gives you passion, passion will creates excitement, excitement will give you energy to try new things somehow a positive one” maybe we should make plan, write things that you want. Have a dream book. Make a list. Make a change. Maybe the place, the people, the surrounding. Try something new that will put a smile on your face. It’s a life, in school, in work, even in a marriage.

It’s never easy to move on, from people, from things, from yourselves, from habit. As one quote says “Time heals everything” but really time heals nothing unless you move along with it. Even me still trying to find way out from the black clouds above my head. I know this feeling that you feel, somehow depressing, somehow you just want to scream out, somehow you just want to be understood, to be listened. To have one hug. Yeah, maybe we only need a hug. I wish we can hug each other right now.

If you feel like a failure, don’t let that thought consumes you, we are not a failure. We are here for a reason. If you feel scared of failure, I know how it feels, I have dream and it scares me if I won’t be able to reach it, but as good quote say “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough” what if my dreams aren’t big enough and it still scares me? Then probably I’m doomed. Haha kidding, give yourself a break, maybe we both are thinking too much. “the only failure is never to try” okay?

You are not the only one who hide emotion inside, you are not the only one. One good human being just told me all you can do is learn fom mistakes, and move forward. We have to be happy again, we deserve to laugh as hard as we can until our tummy aches. We gonna get that happiness back. we have to.

You are not the only one. Let’s fight back this negative feelings, okay?

hugs,

Raining

Book Review: Still Alice – Lisa Genova

still-alice

Everyone’s stressed. Everyone’s tired. Everyone’s forgets things”

 

This book is good. Sad and good. Buku ini bercerita tentang seorang perempuan yang berjuang untuk tidak lupa akan ingatannya melawan penyakit Alzheimeir yang dideritanya. Alice Howland adalah perempuan pintar, sukses, yang memiliki suami penyayang dengan tiga anak yang sudah dewasa. Sampai dia didiagnosis terkena early onset Alzheimer disease (penyait alzheimier dini) di umurnya yang baru 50 tahun karena normalnya penyakit Alzheimer menyerang orang tua diatas 70+. Alice kaget, khawatir akan apa yang terjadi di masa depannya dan apa yang akan terjadi dengan orang-orang sekitarnya. Membayangkan siapa yang akan merawatnya, apakah cukup fair untuk suaminya? Bagaimana dengan anak-anaknya? Alice merasa berat untuk menyusahkan orang-orang yang dia sayangi. Suka tidak suka penyakit ini akan membuatnya lumpuh akan memori. Hal ini membuatnya untuk berlatih mengingat memori, dia berusaha dengan mengingat kata-kata yang di sembunyikan dibalik papan tulis dengan kertas, dan juga menulis beberapa pertanyaan penting dari hpnya yang harus dia jawab setiap hari. Pertanyaan seperti ‘siapa nama anakmu?’ ‘bulan apa kau lahir?’ atau mengeja sebuah kata. Alice adalah seorang professor linguistik hebat yang sudah menulis buku linguistiknya sendiri dan ini menjadikan dia merasa berat dan sedih mengetahui bahwa semua ilmu yang ada dikepalanya akan terhapus. This one is like a reminder to us, although we know our brain is the most important part in our body, still its the less thing we know about it. Seperti peringatan seberapa pintar kamu, when God gonna take everything or anything we thought we have, we can’t do anything. Buku ini tidak hanya bercerita mengenai perjuangan Alice melawan penyakit ini yang menghapus ingatan-ingatannya secara perlahan. Tapi juga dalam suatu keluarga, dimana ketika satu anggota keluarga kita terkena cobaan, cobaan dan ujian bukan hanya untuk satu orang melainkan untuk semua. Menerima, memaafkan, menyayangi, dan tidak putus asa.

Kita diceritakan dari sudut pandang orang pertama, seperti rasanya Alice sendiri yang menceritakan kisahnya when she battling this sickenes disease. Kita membaca seakan kita adalah her brain, what she thought, how she feel, scared, sad, hopeless. I think this is irony, she tell the story, as long as she can tell it to us since her memory keep fading one by one.

My rating: ♥♥♥♥

 

Note: Buku inipun sudah difilmkan tahun lalu dengan Julianne Moore play as Alice, dan ada Kirsten Stewart jadi salah satu anak perempuannya. Oh Moore also win as best actress because of this movie in Oscar 2015. Yang mau liat trailernya bisa klik disini. I suggest you read the book first. This is really interesting and good story to read. Definitely worth reading for people who like sad, drama and life lesson kind of book.

 

 

 

 

I Keep Too Many Things to Myself

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Someone told me that.., if you feel sad or angry or upset for no reason that means your heart is been empty from love.
There is no more sad feeling, when you have to hold your tears to fall cause you keep telling your self don’t f*ckin cry. That f*ckin hurt. I really don’t know…
I feel like I’m asking too much. Sometimes, when we feel like we can do it by ourselves.. That was actually the time where we need someone, to not say a thing, just someone to hold.. and hug us. Have you ever fee like, you just desperate, lost, and feel like don’t know what to do with your life anymore. It’s just flat. Just like that.
I just feel really sad, and I want to cry, but should I?
What should we do when we feel everything we do are not good enough?
I sound so selfish to myself.. What an ungrateful person. But..

What’s left to do when we lost our hope?
What’s left to see when our eyes won’t open anymore? Have you ever thought about dying? Are all of our dreams important anymore?

There is a song said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Heck things don’t kill me.. But I don’t feel stronger at all… And another one said, ‘you’re never as strong as you sound’. Well that’s true..
I just realize it.. Just because I am strong enough to handle the pain, doesn’t mean I deserve it..

Maybe I’ve been holding on too tight.. with nothing 😦

But,

I always try.. To find strength in pain. Always try to cut my mind from thinking stupid things. Since the hurt, the betrayed of people I love dearly.. I never really thought I will feel like this again, I thought I am stronger, much wiser…

But this.
An empty feeling inside of me. Sad. Upset. Lonely. Afraid. Like there is a sting deep inside of my heart. A needle.
My heart pumps blood through my body, but I feel like every pumps only give me this stabbing pain for no reason. So why keep me alive to feel the pain?

“Too afraid to die, too scared to be alive” that’s me right now. What a stupid way of thinking but my mind sober enough to realize that, oh no.. I shouldn’t let this screw me again.

I don’t wanna start the same mistake again, I wanna be happy, I wanna be free from my own mind, And deep inside I realize the only one who can make that happen is myself, because.. “We can never depend our happiness to anyone right? We just have to get the f*ck up.. and fight again”.

Remember a song that I’ve been listening to: “sometimes you break your own heart.. To set yourself free”

And that’s what I’m gonna do. Cause I have to. not for anyone. But for me, cause without knowing myself.. I just deserve to be happy again. And I’m gonna try again…

Written dec 14, 2013. When I was dealing with depression and anxiety in my life.

-Raining